Thanks for being such a legend!

Despite being in constant fear of subscribing to that great Aussie pass time - whingeing - I have to let myself go every now and then.

Whinge number one: People who couldn't drive their finger up their bum.

Because I drive a greater distance than the average person each day, I come across a large number of dangerous fools. Here are some useful tips for drivers so that we can all enjoy a safer transit environment.

1. Drive faster when it starts raining. It is a proven fact that your car handles better when the road is greasy. It has also been scientifically proven that when you can't see very well your other senses are heightened, making you more aware and your reaction time shorter.

2. Please drive up my arse. If you get close enough our cars can make babies and we can give them to our kids. Actually you probably shouldn't have kids, the human race needs as much help as it can get without starting to devolve.

3. Drive slowly on single-lane country roads and then drive over the speed limit in the overtaking lane. This considerate behaviour is very helpful to us all. It also encourages people to drive safely when we return to the single lane.

4. Pull out in front of others. It is a great way to meet people up close, and prove at the same time that you are the centre of the universe.

Having said all this what would the world be like if we couldn't complain about awesome drivers doing awesome things? Would we really be happy when times were good? Would we have something to talk about around the Multi-Function Device (also known as a photocopier) when we got to work?

I used to worry about my arteries getting clogged up, but thanks to you, awesome driver, my increased heart rate pumps the blood through so fast that the clumps of crap are dislodged. I would also be too agressive if I didn't get my daily dose of yelling 'GET OFF THE ROAD C***!" each morning.

We need a national scheme to shame these fools; so what I propose is thus; a 'Sh.A.M.E.' register is created (Shit Drivers Accumulate More Enemies). People can log on anonymously and enter a culprit's number-plate/car colour/type and a brief description of the stupid act. People who repeat offend will be lynched and issued with wedgies of varying severity according to the level of stupidity. For example, cutting someone off for no reason will warrant the undies to be pulled up to the lower back. Driving like a complete fuckwit in the wet and then looking offended when I tell you that you have a head like a bucket of smashed crabs, would warrant the 'Sandwedge' - a handful of wet sand is stuffed down the crack and the undies are ripped up to the shoulders three times. If they should break another pair will be issued.

An annual prize will be given for the biggest repeat offender. I cannot think of anything severe enough but something to do with elephants, buggery and national broadcast sounds pretty effective.

Jum