Surviving Christmas?

Many of my readers have written in asking for some tips about 'surviving Christmas'. Actually I lie, no one reads my blog so you can all act like tukeys get stuffed. Kidding, just kidding.

There are a few factors that work together to make Chrismas what it is, and seemingly there are a few factors, or should I say 'knob jockeys', out there that try to make Christmas as enjoyable as a Tabasco sauce enema. I am fortunate enough to have two families that believe in Christmas whole-heartedly, I am also incredibly wise and hence am able to cruise through people's minor misdemeanour's than it is to get bot rot sitting on a plane in pleb class.

I have two Christmases each year so I have twice the practice.

These tips are for any alcohol-fueled social event, just sing them to the tune of 'Jingle Bells' or something:

1. Do not drink more than any one else. Target a sensible relative as a drinking buddy and follow their lead. I chose to vary this method this year by employing the wonderful assistance of my four year old niece. Every time she asked me to play or read her a book I asked her to get me a beer. I read lots of books.

2. People are emotional and alcohol is a truth syrum. Make other people drink more because the results can be quite hilarious. If it starts to get out of hand whip out the video camera and get a Youtube account. If you have a grudge against someone be very friendly towards them and make them drink a lot as they are sure to embarrass themselves.

3. Eat food before you get too drunk. The drunker you are the less you will eat and therefore you will get even drunker and stoopider. Even if it means hogging into the chips and dips, do so. Eating also reduces the hangover the next day. Food also makes you shut up.

4. Occupy yourself with a task. Fart around setting up the table, or take the dips around to the relos. I played with my niece and read lots of books.

5. Have good time. People get too wound up by what other people think and say. Who cares, have fun. You don't have to drink more to do this either. If someone is a pain in the arse, let them be. If you have a video camera, turn it on, film yourself punching Aunty Dora and post it on Youtube. Film cousin Jack talking to God on the porcelain telephone. Film your sister being a complete bitch and send it out to the world.

Generally my Christmases are trouble free because there is a lot of love in my families and so I write these tips for you out there. Trust my words of advice, I have survived seven Coles Christmas parties, so I understand what goes on. All too well...