In Constant Fear of a Horse Head in my Perambulator

Today my wonderful wife and I decided to brave the baby shops of Canberra to have a look at cots (boring), bedspreads (I yawned so hard I dislocated my jaw) and prams - WOOHOO! Yes, prams, strollers, perambulators, joggers or whatever you want to call them are magnificent things. I have been sucked into this strange little world and quite frankly I am o.k. with it. There is so much choice out there that it at first seems overwhelming, but as you start to kick a few easily detachable wheels you begin to sort the Fords from the Holdens, the Deawoos from the Hyundais, and the Bondi Taxis (aka Toorak Taxis) from the far less pretentious and far more pragmatic 1978 pattern Land Cruisers.

To start with you have the straight out strollers at around $200 or so. These are practical, lightweight and simple to use - as long as your child is capable of sitting up by itself. Essentially they are the Daewoos of the stroller world, usually owned by those that are completely unconcerned with what it looks like, just as long as it gets you there. Even if it does lose the odd door on the way.

Second of all you have the cheap three wheelers - liable to tip at a moments notice. They are large, cumbersome, stupid looking and generally pretending to be something better. Magnas; they are dangerous and so are their owners. These are the ones that take out your ankles in the supermarket aisles.

Third are the more expensive and excessively large three wheelers. Quite a number of them are made by Jeep, and you need a Jeep to be able to move the thing around. The sheer size of these things is impressive. In fact they remind me of one of my very first posts. You see proud parents put their little babies into these things and crawl in after them when they realise that the baby has completely disappeared along with a fortnights worth of groceries. I have also heard that the dashboard lights and GPS units can play up.

Finally is my favourite - the type that makes me all quivery inside. The well thought out, modern, sleek next generation strollers. I must admit I spent a lot more time than I probably should have done with these things. I got caught up in the polished aluminium frames, the easy release capsules, the intelligent fold up mechaninsms and the three position reversible reclining seat. My beautiful wife will have no problems getting me to come along to the baby shops in future, although she probably won't want to come with me because the store clerks did look a little concerned when I started singing 'Transformers, more than meets the eye...' and making special sound effects every time I adjusted something.

I did learn a lot through the course of my adventure. Not only did I learn about the intricate workings of prams of all sizes, I found out about the baby mafia. I am now in fear, and quite concerned for my safety; what if we buy the wrong brand, what if we buy from the wrong shop, what if I speak to the wrong clerk? Apparently, according to someone who was new in the world of baby retail, there is a very cosy relationship between baby chains and baby product suppliers. There is even an unspoken agreement that the prices will remain the same from store to store. No competition, no bloodshed. Now I know why all these kids are listening to Eminem and shooting eachother - it is instilled into them before they are even born. We are a doomed race! In one of the shops was one unfortunate child trying to recruit some bitches so he could go pimpin' with his posse. Subliminal messages, designed to foster a special love for all things bling, are issued through Fisher Price toys. There is more to the trade in baby powder than you think.

I had better go, I just noticed a posse of youths in some pimped out Jeeps eyeing out my place...