New Zealand: Phase Nine - I am NOT Art Deco, so STOP LOOKING AT ME!

After a very lazy and luxurious wake up in our luxurious, plush hotel we had a luxurious shower and then lazed around in our luxurious bath robes until we went down and had a wonderfully luxurious breakfast. I have never seen such a magnificent collection of food stuffs laid out on a breakfast buffet ever. There were chocolate scrolls, luxurious cheeses, croissants, all of the bacon and eggs and stuff, weird shit that I have never seen before, and other stuff that looked impressive - like grapes. Did I mention breakfast potatoes? Yeah, I made an absolute pig of myself. Mmmmmm.

The waitresses fussed over us - they were like guardian breakfast angels. I sat down and realised there wasn't a fork on the table, and *poof* a waitress (not a poof) materialised out of thin air with a fork. I literally thought *coff* and a waitress materialised with a pot of coffee. I probably should have been more creative and thought things like *Wiggles on crack* or *Bindi Irwin in a blender*.

After our luxurious breakfast we left at a luxurious hour.

The road we took out of Wellington was a bit daunting, however thankfully it was windy but not windy. I mean the road wound its way up the range. The Minister for Road Fans must have been doing his or her job that day. The road after the mountain was typical New Zealand, lots of ovines and bovines, green and not too many fauvines (NZ isn't renowend for its art).
We stopped in at Schoc in Greytown for an incredible chocolate experience. I mean, look at those things mmmmmmmmmmm... Tequila and lime chocolate mmmmmmmm...

For lunch we stopped in at a little rest stop near Hamua, where we were kept entertained by a couple of naughty roosters. I didn't feed them anything but I did call them 'dickheads' a lot. After saying 'goodbye dickheads' to our feathered friends we drove onto the Tui brewery where I bought some merchandise.

We drove onto Dannevirke (which literally means Danes work). The town was established by the Danes because the Poms were too soft and squooshy (although they were smart because the Danes had to sort out the Maoris first). Then from Dannevirke we drove through Norsewood which literally means 'the trees are actually Norses'. Like Dannevirke the town was established by over pampered Poms and populated by Norsemen and Norsewomen. The town was filled with trolls.

We drove through Hastings, actually we made haste through there because I hate getting arrows in my eye. Get it? No? Well your knowledge of history is pretty useless then.

Finally we made it to Napier, the most Art Deco town in the world. Well probably anyway. The town was flattened on 3 February 1931 by an immense earthquake. Apparently at one point, when most of the town was on fire, the fire brigade drove to the beach to pump water in, only to find that the beach was 2 metres higher than they expected and the ocean was a good 100 metres further away than it was that morning. Walking on the beach gave me that weird 'insignificant' feeling again and I felt sick for the firemen that night. It must have been horrifying.

The upshot of all this death and destruction is the fact that the town was mostly rebuilt in the style of the day - art deco. This has to be one of my favourite arty things ever. The lines are strong and clean. Mmmmmm sexy.

We took a brief wander around the town in the darkening light and toddled off to our campsite.

Here we witnessed some unusual behaviour. Stacey and I were cooking dinner in the communal kitchen, there were a number of tables around and quite a bit of room. While I was cooking two people (clearly a couple because they were both so ugly they couldn't find anyone else) sat down opposite Stacey at our table. Fat Dickhead Number 1 (the husband) started cooking and cleaning stuff and Fat Dickhead Number 2 decided that sitting directly opposite Stacey and staring at her was the appropriate thing to do. I finished cooking, we ate. Fat Dickhead Number 2 introduced herself to us, we made small talk and then she went back to staring at us like a Fat Dickhead. WTF? Do we have two friggin heads or something? Thankfully we could eat quickly (pizza) and leave because I was very close to punching one of them in the knee...

New Zealand: Phase Three - Dunedin to Te Anau

After a quick brekkie and a shower we headed off to Larnach Castle, we stopped briefly on the way and I took a snap of something that was so irresistibly English. I was looking around for a bloke in a tweed suite, a pipe and a shepherds hook. I could hear the words 'touche' and 'old chap' floating around my head as I scrambled over the road cutting with my camera.

The problem with New Zealand is the fact that every corner you turn you want to jump out with the camera and click away like an A.D.D. kid from the Ritalin generation.
We drove onto the castle up on the headland, and yes it did feel like we were stepping back in time. I wished I had brought those coconuts so I could clip-clop my way up to the castle. Having said that I would need some shiny armour and a sword. And a helmet.

The castle was more magnificent than I had expected, although it is less of a castle and more of a bloody big house. It probably shies in size compared to some of the McMansions in any new Australian subdivision, except this one was big for a reason (the bloke that made it had money, not credit), and it was tastefully decorated.

There were a number of things that impressed me with Larnach Castle, most of all was the fact that it felt like a castle. Once we were inside and away from the tourists we felt like we were in something old, even down to that strange creepy feeling old places give you. Another thing I was impressed with was the dungeon. Yes, a dungeon. Naughty Mr. Larnach.

The castle also had a methane collecting system. Human and animal poo was collected, and somehow the methane was captured - I think by lots of slaves with McDonalds straws, and somehow it was piped to a domed repository, and then piped out by foot pump throughout the house where the gas was used to light the chandeliers. I can imagine the dinner conversation: "Lady Heavemud, how could you, you filthy whore!"
"Please, I beg your pardon, 't wasn't me Your Bitchiness Madam Fontlebottom, the chandelier went out!" To which Lord Mountsheep would lift his right buttock and exclaim "Light that one up my ladies!"
Laughter would peel through the hills.
Life must have been hilarious back in those days, I wish I was there to partake. Touche.

Sadly we had to move on from the castle because the bus was coming. Besides that I was having too much fun with my new friends, so without much adieu and some tear ridden farewells on their part and calls of "fare thee well Baron jum Slurryfoot!" we made our way back to Dunedin. The Cadbury Chocolate Factory awaited.

After parking at the big fat Dunedin Gothic train station (which was mightily impressive) we wandered the long way around to the factory entrance. Once we were inside I instantly felt a flash back of the nausea and headache I gave myself as a kid when I at too much chocolate. Everything was purple, wavy, slopey, twirly, chocolatey and sweet smelling. We were like big kids in a silly world. We took the tour and got to see the world's biggest chocolate waterfall! Even I, 'Mr. Notchocolate', got excited. One tonne of chocolate was poured through this thing, 3 storeys of chocolate pouring in a big fat stream of chocolate. I wanted to dive in and swim! I resisted the urge and moseyed back down to THE CHOCOLATE SHOP!

Once we made our purchases we made a quick stop at the information place to get some information. Funny that.
We drove on towards Te Anau and passed through some underwhelming towns, however the beauty of their surrounds was luxurious. The green hills were velvety and rolling and the high, jagged peaks were beginning to break up the horizon. Upon arrival at Te Anau we were instantly impressed by the dramatic surrounds. They were more dramatic than ten episodes of Neighbours. They weren't selling beer because it was Good Friday. How can it be good if they don't sell beer? Good thing I bought enough good beer the other day. Good thing I also had some yummy ginantonic to help me along as well. In some ways I think NZ lives a few decades behind the rest of the world, and this is a good example. The other thing is, and we noticed it at a rest stop at lunch, is that they put their play grounds in the water. This is a silly practice because everyone knows that playgrounds should be put on uncompromisingly hard ground to teach kids lessons about gravity. After a brief and uneventful wander through Te Anau, we drove off to find our campsite. We pulled up at Henry Creek and I put off paying the DOC fee till the morning (same as our National Parks people) because the bus was coming.

We found our spot and wandered out to admire the sheer beauty of lake TeAnau, literally at our feet. Even if we had to go home the next day we would have been satisfied.