Oh Where Life Leads You

Having recently left one job, and started another I have come to a point where things that once made sense don't any more. Things that were once unclear are now lucid and transparent. I was comfortable in my stagnation; personal drive was destroyed at every burst. Life assumed a predictable course - until I was fucked over that is.

I am not going to take this little opportunity to lambaste the people that deliberately did me wrong. They don't deserve my full attention, the bottom feeding, plague-bringers that they are. They make the bile rise in my throat just thinking about them. On the other hand, I don't want you to misinterpret what I say here. There were a small handful of people that did what they could to keep me there. Mostly my friends and mentors. Thanks.

I am much happier now, however I just can't shake some feelings of regret. I am in a wonderful place, developing strong friendships and acquaintances, tonnes of opportunity being thrown at my feet, and my home life is much happier for leaving. I just can't get rid of it. Will it pass?

Sometimes I just want to scream and yell at the injustice people are suffering for the selfishness of others. Sometimes I feel such anger, hatred and animosity welling up inside me that I can barely control it. The other day I looked across the lake, up that wonderful parade and shed a tear for the innocent suffering of people that are trying to do their job for the right reasons, and get shafted for the wrong reasons. A bit like the poor men at the Nek.

People must have found it hard to walk away from a war, because I find it hard enough walking away from a job that I loved, and hated, but mostly loved.

I think Charlie Sheen (playing Chris Taylor in his best effort to emulate his dad) summed it up well in the movie Platoon:

I think now, looking back, we did not fight the enemy; we fought ourselves. The enemy was in us. The war is over for me now, but it will always be there, the rest of my days. As I'm sure Elias will be, fighting with Barnes for what Rhah called "possession of my soul." There are times since, I've felt like a child, born of those two fathers. But be that as it may, those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again. To teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life

Well, maybe not precisely, but you get the gist anyway.

Maybe I did it to myself, I doubt it, but surely some of it is owed to my stubborn pride, and the fact that I will always stand up against the Barnes's and fight for the Elias's of the world.

Much of my time there doesn't make sense now, I did really well, but I also did some things really badly. All I ever got were mixed messages when all I tried to do was the right thing.

Hopefully this post will put it all behind me now. I have much more important, beautiful, exciting and wonderful things to care about.