Mums, Bubs and Me!

At last I can yell it, and yell it LOUD! My lovely wife and I have a little one on the way. Don't rush all your questions at once. You will, I am sure, have them all answered in ample time. Like now.

Due? 27 August 2007
Boy or Girl? Don't mind - won't be finding out until it says "WAAAAAAAAAAA!".
Names? Alowishus Devadander Abercrombie that's long for mud, so I've been told.
Can I touch your tummy? Yes, you can touch my tummy, it turns me on. Touch my wife's tummy and I smash you with my fist.
Can I buy you a beer? Yes, yes you can. Get me a cigar while you are at it. And a martini.
Are you happy? What do you think? Of course I am...
Has she been sick yet? No, and how important is it to know that? 'He, he, he she has been sick. Oh, poor dear.' Poor you. Have you been sick yet? I was sick once. Were you sick once? Oh, poor you...
Has she got cravings? Yep, big time. All she wants to do is smoke ciggies and drink beer. You idiots - how many times do you have to be told that you will have a deformed baby. Wake up to yourself. In fact stop rooting and help us along with our positive evolution.

I will be back with more progress, and who knows I might do up a serious blog and link to it from here. People might actually read that one.

See ya...

I've Already Said it Once

I have already said it, and I will say it again - THE END IS NIGH!

But do not fear the Adelaide Crows are here! And guess what - I got some autographs! Woah!

Who cares if some bloke in a wheelchair has moved the ATOMIC CLOCK OF ABSOLUTE DOOM two minutes forward. I don't!

There are much bigger things to worry about than some false human construct. I mean really! This is the same bloke that says time is not real...

I won't go into this garbage because it is far too complicated and stupid. If our ancestors (cavemen) decided to worry about it we wouldn't be here, and we wouldn't have AFL. Without AFL there wouldn't be any point in putting up with the cricket season. People might say 'hey NRL is the shit', all I say is 'NRL is pushing its way towards that poor excuse for a sport 'American Football'. If it could be any more moronic it would resemble the doomsday clock.

The cricket season exists to keep this whole thing in check. Why would you polish half a ball with the cavity next to your nuts and not a polishing rag? Why? Answer me this and you have your forty-two, your answer to the meaning of life. Why do ants carry their babies to higher ground before it rains? Because they can't build boats. Why, tell me WHY do people love NRL? Because they are too simple to understand anything else. Why does NRL exist? To make people feel better about themselves.

The Crows will win this year, and for you simpletons out there the Gold Coast will come third. There is your doomsday clock. Oh, Collingwood will (unfortunately) continue to play football and annoy everyone with their soppy coach. Manly will never be Manly and will continue to disappoint their fans by playing in drag.

The Australians will win the cricket and the Kiwis and the Poms will go home sad again (you have to be a pompous, bum patting, zinc wearing, self centred, beatch to win).

Happy new year sluggos!

Surviving Christmas?

Many of my readers have written in asking for some tips about 'surviving Christmas'. Actually I lie, no one reads my blog so you can all act like tukeys get stuffed. Kidding, just kidding.

There are a few factors that work together to make Chrismas what it is, and seemingly there are a few factors, or should I say 'knob jockeys', out there that try to make Christmas as enjoyable as a Tabasco sauce enema. I am fortunate enough to have two families that believe in Christmas whole-heartedly, I am also incredibly wise and hence am able to cruise through people's minor misdemeanour's than it is to get bot rot sitting on a plane in pleb class.

I have two Christmases each year so I have twice the practice.

These tips are for any alcohol-fueled social event, just sing them to the tune of 'Jingle Bells' or something:

1. Do not drink more than any one else. Target a sensible relative as a drinking buddy and follow their lead. I chose to vary this method this year by employing the wonderful assistance of my four year old niece. Every time she asked me to play or read her a book I asked her to get me a beer. I read lots of books.

2. People are emotional and alcohol is a truth syrum. Make other people drink more because the results can be quite hilarious. If it starts to get out of hand whip out the video camera and get a Youtube account. If you have a grudge against someone be very friendly towards them and make them drink a lot as they are sure to embarrass themselves.

3. Eat food before you get too drunk. The drunker you are the less you will eat and therefore you will get even drunker and stoopider. Even if it means hogging into the chips and dips, do so. Eating also reduces the hangover the next day. Food also makes you shut up.

4. Occupy yourself with a task. Fart around setting up the table, or take the dips around to the relos. I played with my niece and read lots of books.

5. Have good time. People get too wound up by what other people think and say. Who cares, have fun. You don't have to drink more to do this either. If someone is a pain in the arse, let them be. If you have a video camera, turn it on, film yourself punching Aunty Dora and post it on Youtube. Film cousin Jack talking to God on the porcelain telephone. Film your sister being a complete bitch and send it out to the world.

Generally my Christmases are trouble free because there is a lot of love in my families and so I write these tips for you out there. Trust my words of advice, I have survived seven Coles Christmas parties, so I understand what goes on. All too well...

How to Destroy a Country Town in One Easy Step

One of the strange things about living in a country town, and lets admit it there are quite a few, is that nothing seems to happen until you blink. In that split second that it takes to close your eyelids and reopen them something major will have changed. don't know whether my town is different because it is so close to that megalopolis known as Canberra, or because it just chooses to be different.

I believe things happen this way because, to most Canberrans 'Bungendore is the town you turn right at on the way to the coast'. Braidwood, in case you are wondering 'is the town you turn left at on the way to the coast'. Batemans Bay is 'the town you stop at when you get to the coast'. Things only happen here the moment before an observant person drives through. That is why there is a flurry of 'happening things' just before Christmas time. Most other months our little time/space anomaly is unaffected by outsiders as very few people drive through. In fact it is hard to get anything done.

My loopy little theory goes as thus:

1. Before a person drives through Bungendore something has to change within Bungendore and/or its environs.

2. If two people are going to drive through, three things have to change. The extra 'change thing' is because one of the people might not notice one of the 'changes' because they are a foolish person talking on his/her mobile whilst trying to kill an innocent family. See here for other examples of clever things to do on the road.

3. If a whole heap of people drive through (i.e. Easter or Christmas) some moron will decide that building a completely unneccesary, kitch, and irreversibly ugly shopping centre in the middle of the heritage district will be required.

Yes, it is true, some goose wants to come in and build some lump of crap right next one of the oldest pubs in Australia. Not to mention knock down a few historic buildings in the process. Nice one. Would you like a clap for your cleverness, or does the echo inside your empty skull rattle your blackened heart and make you cough up cancerous fumes?

Were you dissatisfied that the city planners in Canberra knocked you back because of your obtuse vulgarity?

Look at the photo above; do you see the little cottage next to it? The little thing on the left? I don't know if that is part of the 'destruction plan' but I wouldn't be surprised if it was. It is the blacksmith's shop, I think it is around the same age as the pub. 1850s I believe. The thought of a fake heritage building makes me, and a lot of other Bungendoreans, shudder. Why don't we knock down the Royal and replace it with an Ettamogah Pub? I am sure that would fit in with the whole theme park idea.

I didn't move to Bungendore to live in a kitch Canberra suburb. I moved here because I like it the way it is. Yes development has to happen, but if you are going to vomit, do it elsewhere. Take up on the hardware's example and do it on the outskirts of town. We already have a woodworks shop, a lolly shop, a handful of craft shops, two nurseries, a supermarket, a bottlo, a leather shop, a couple of bookshops and a host of other things. We don't need anymore. Go away and screw up Iraq or something.

Jum

The End as we Knew It

I thought it was pretty obvious a few years ago, in fact a lot of people thought the same. No one listened because they didn't want to hear the truth. Places like Cubby Station were making too much money, and besides, who wants to pull someone's head out of their bum for the sake of a few million litres of water? It is pretty obvious now, and there is no point harping on about it either. We really are up the creek without a paddle. State Governments point the finger at Federal Government, and Federal Government points the finger at Iraq. No one puts up their hand and says 'sorry fellas, I stuffed up'.

I don't care who stuffed up - just bloody well fix it. Get rid of that massive irresponsibility called 'Cubby Station'. Get rid of all the other ones like it. Australia is not the place to grow cotton. I swear some people would try to farm Polar Bears in Broome if they could.

I suppose you don't understand why I have tied Cubby Farm to the current bushfire crisis. The answer is simple really. You cannot put bushfires out without water. The next fire will be along the Murray and the Murray won't exist after that. No Murray Cod. No water. No paddle steamers. No life. No future.

I don't mean to sound depressing but this is the truth. Thank god Rudd is in now and we can beat the idiots.

Jum

The: Perennial, Whinger, the end; of the world!

Punctuation: I know, I am quite crap at punctuating. I probably use it. Too much. Enough so. That it gets: annoying! "Aaaaaaaargh!!!".?

My lesson for the day is
How to Punctuate: Use those buttons with the dots

in my line of work i receive a large number of queries from people that havent finished year twelve looking for an easy way out of their essay question i find it really hard to answer them because they cannot be bothered to use a full stop or a comma is this a generational thing or is the world particularily australia becoming more and more illiterate or am i missing the point do we need to punctuate anymore do we really am i dumb and incapable of picking up the intended inflection in the sentence if you could call it a sentence james joyce would wet his pants i wet my pants in frustration and want to ask them who brung them up i mean really if people couldnt be bothered trying to ask a question properly they are going to get a link to here

If you couldn't get the gist of the paragraph above do not be concerned. I have become an old cranky bastard and I have become SICK AND TIRED of paying taxes for people who couldn't be bothered. I am 'Generation X', my wife is 'Generation Y'. The new group coming through should be Generation :)

How fortuitous, those little squiggles and dots make a face that smiles and winks ;)

J::::::;,./-=u/';,]{}m|||\\\

The Weather will be the Death of Me

Returned home to crap weather again. Possibly the only draw back to this town is the god-forsaken wind. Everything else is beautiful. Except for the drought. If you check out the bottom part of this link (scroll a long way down) you will see how windy it is. This is from a highly unreliable(too many beers), yet amusing source. Bungendore isn't far from Tarago and suffers very similar weather patterns.

The rule out here is 'always take a jacket with you to your Christmas Parties' (thanks Mike). The days are always hotter than Canberra, and when 4.30 rocks around it is like god has switched on an air-conditioner. Set to freezing. With the fan on 'stupidly high'.

The weather out here makes it that much harder to grow a garden. We get frosts up until now and the wind dries everything out. The wind also makes everything look bendy. Nothing is helped by the fact that bugger all people in our area (we are like a tacked on, modern extension of Bungendore) want to grow any trees. Instead they do their best to destroy the environment and the world with their big bloody lawns, and ugly, insignificant shrubberies. Were they conceived while their parents were watching 'The Holy Grail'? It would explain their silliness.

Get out there people, do us all a favour and plant some trees! It slows the wind, creates shade and stops us all from suffocating. It also hides your ugly house.

Jum